Thursday, October 25, 2007

Some Darwin Award Highlights

Every year "The Darwin Awards" are published to honor those who were , by virtue of their own stupidity, removed from the gene pool for the sake of the greater good. While we wait for the 2007 awards to be published, I would like to share with you a few of my favorites from years past. Enjoy.

5. Mind over matter

4. Kung Fu expert vs. lion

3. When a land mine is the primary prop in a drinking game:

2. Jesus impersonators

1. Rocket engine + Chevy Impala=

Sunday, October 14, 2007

The Office

From: Dwight K. Schrute
To: Office fans around the universe

Question: What is the best night of the week?
Answer: Thursdays. Every other night is stupid.

The author of this blog has recently added video clips entitled "The Office- Greatest Moments" . Well, as the Assistant Regional Manager of Dunder Mifflin Scranton branch, I say that as funny as those clips are, they don't do justice to what were truly the greatest moments in our history. Those of you who have never watched our show before, I expect to see you on NBC this Thursday night at 9pm or disciplinary action will be taken. *Disclaimer: the law of nature requires that as soon as I recommend a tv show to anyone the next episode will be unusually offensive, raunchy, and obscene... it's not usually, I promise.

The Top Ten "Office" Moments According to Dwight K. Schrute:
10. When Jim left the Scranton office. "Ohhh, noooo, Jim's gone. What are we going to doooo? FALSE. I do not miss him."

9. When Michael told Toby that he hates everything about him. No one can explain Michael's hatred for Toby... but it's funny.

8. The day I unveiled my ingenious idea for a new consequence-reward system around the office: Schrute Bucks.

7. The day Pam was in tears in the hallway and I alone was there to console her. Upon approaching the crying victim, I quickly asked "Who did this to you? Where is he?" After a moment of silently listening to her sobbing, I calmly diagnosed the problem: "So you're PMS'ing pretty bad right now, huh?"

6. The day my computer challenged my sales ability and I defeated it. My computer started typing these messages to me, things like: "While you were reading this, I researched everything in the world and learned everything there is to know, and oh yeah, in that time I also sold more paper than you." But Michael and I were ultimately victorious over our cyber-foe when we delivered gift baskets to our former clientèle... that is, before Michael drove the car into the lake following the GPS' instructions.

5. "Diversity Day." Michael came up with this brilliant idea to help us appreciate diverse cultures. Each person had a post-it note on his/her forehead with "Jewish" or "Asian" or "Black" or something similar written on it. It was then the role of the other office members to talk to that person about himself/herself using descriptive statements about that point of view or nationality. Toby was ticked, but Michael's a genius.

4. The day Michael hit Meredith with his car. And then a couple weeks later, when Meredith asked Jim to sign her pelvic cast. (Meredith: "Thanks. I'll read that later.") Meredith is creepy.

3. Jim dressing up like me. Impersonation is the highest form of flattery, so I thank you, Jim.

2. The day I neutralized an assailant with my pepper spray. "For two years, I've brought pepper spray with me to the office and was laughed at... well who's laughing now?"

1. And the number one, most enlightening, greatest day in the office was the day Michael dressed up like a ganster to teach us all a valuable lesson: Prison isn't funny. Someone in the office joked that work was like a prison, so Michael did a dramatic presentation to shed light on the terrors of prison life by impersonating a gansta' from da' slamma' named "Prison Mike." There's really no adequate way to describe it, so you may re-live it here: (Warning: This clip is rated PG-13 for the use of the "B word"):

I thank you for reading. Post your favorite moments of the show if you wish. On behalf of all of us here at Dunder Mifflin, I bid you adieu.

Dwight K. Shrute
Assistant (to the) Regional Manager
Dunder Mifflin, Scranton

Thursday, October 4, 2007

The Great Conversation???

Those of you who have been tuned in to my blog lately know that I recently partnered with a couple friends on a new series we kicked off called "The Great Conversation" (see below four or five posts if you want to catch up on the discussion). Adam, the masterful poet behind "Late Night Over Pancakes," and Dan, the excavator of the deep and profound truths within the "Pray Your Gods" blog, had both agreed to reply to my original post concerning "Christian" and "Secular" arts.

When I stepped to the plate a month and a half ago, Dan was in the batters box warming up, as he was the first scheduled to respond (and then Adam was going to respond after him). But alas, our good friend Dan is waiting for the right moment to take his home run swing; he is yet to take a crack at the discussion we have pitched his way. I've been checking his blog almost daily in eager anticipation and I hope you have been too.

He's a busy guy and extremely thoughtful about these things, so this post is simply to cheer Dan on and to give him a friendly push of inspiration- to encourage him to post his response by the end of this weekend, if possible. We're looking forward to reading what you've been processing these past few weeks, my friend.