Pet Peeve #2

And now for my second installment of "Quirks, Jerks, and Everyday Irks."

2. The conveyor belt at Publix.
I realize that very few will be able to sympathize with my irritation here, so I would definitely put this under the "quirks" category. But I'm slightly OCD, so when I place my groceries on the belt at checkout, it's not a random scattering of items for me, it's an art. Heaviest items up front, softest items in back, and all like-items together in a nice, neat, orderly system. And what's really weird (as if that's not weird enough), is that I literally have to take slow, deep breaths in order to fight off a panic attack when the conveyor belt starts to move because it messes up my system (no, I'm not kidding). The belt starts moving, and now instead of an orderly group, there's four feet of space between each of my groceries; instead of the 2 boxes of frozen peas standing neatly next to each other, there's a box of peas, then four feet... then a jar of tomato sauce, then four feet... then a loaf of bread, then four feet... and then the second box of peas... And few things in this world take me closer to being institutionalized.

On a side note: as much as I "suffer," I can't imagine how difficult life would be as a truly OCD person. I would say I have obsessive compulsive tendencies, but not full-blown disorder. I actually consulted a psychologist friend of mine about this issue when I was in college. I was concerned because I count my steps everywhere I go, I count my bites when I chew food, I do everything from scratching an itch to licking my lips in sets of seven, and certain things (like the conveyor belt at Publix) take me dangerously close to panic attacks. But as crazy as that sounds, I know people who literally suffer from the disorder- and it isn't even slightly funny what they go through. The difference is this, my psychologist friend informed me: "When you count your steps in sets of sevens from the car to the front door of your house, can you still go inside and relax if your last step isn't number seven in a series? Or would it mess you up so bad that you would have to go back to the car and try again? Those with the disorder would have to go back and literally try over and over again to make their steps count up to the right number before they can move on to any other activity."

Thankfully, I can go on if the steps don't add up and I can laugh at myself for being such a weirdo, which is why I've listed "the conveyor belt at Publix" as my Pet Peeve #2.

Hungry

"Then Jesus declared, 'I am the bread of life. He who comes to me will never go hungry, and he who believes in me will never be thirsty." (John 6:35)

Our souls cannot survive without the nourishment the Lord provides. There is no other bread and no other water that can sustain us through the fall- nothing but the body and blood of Jesus. I love that Jesus uses our sense of hunger and thirst to help this truth hit home.

When it comes to Christian living, it seems to me that there are three kinds of people: those who are constantly hungry but never satisfied, those who are full but never hungry, and those who are regularly hungry and then fully satisfied.

In the natural world, everyone recognizes the pain of hunger and dehydration and goes and eats and drinks until they’re satisfied. No one feels a hunger pang and walks around for days in agony wondering “what is this pain I feel?” It’s instinctive: we were designed with the need for daily filling. And yet, as much as we understand this in the natural world- the world that we can see, taste, smell, touch, and feel- we have this internal dysfunction that has somehow deceived us into believing that the pain we feel in our souls, the hole we sense is empty inside, is somehow unrelated to our lack of spiritual nourishment. We go days, weeks, even months and years without seeking the Lord’s filling and then we wonder why we are keeled over in pain from depression, anxiety, doubt, bitterness and pride. And the deeper our hurt runs, the more we bite the hand that feeds, so to speak; we blame the Lord for not strengthening us or coming to our rescue, too blind beneath our shroud of guilt to recognize that the Lord has prepared daily provisions for us but we simply haven’t been responsible enough to come to the table. This is the person who is constantly hungry but never satisfied.

The second kind of person is the one who is always full but never hungry. This person digests meals as part of their daily ritual; like a machine on auto-pilot, they don’t really crave the food, they simply do what they need to do to survive. Godly men and women reach a place when they’re calloused to the ritual filling of the Lord. They eat a lot, but they’re never hungry; they attend to the business of faith but never crave after the Lord. These people are fat and happy Christians and have forgotten what it’s like to passionately hunger after anything- especially the Lord.

The third kind of person is the one who is hungry every day and eats at the proper time. They experience both the agony of hunger pangs and the joy of being satisfied- every day. St. Augustine wrote, “There is no pleasure in eating and drinking unless they are preceded by the unpleasant sensation of hunger and thirst.” In the desert, the Israelites were instructed to gather manna from the fields where God rained it down on the earth like dew on the grass every morning. They weren’t allowed to store up a supply of bread; gathering manna every other weekend was simply not an option. They woke up in the morning and gathered their bread for the day, or they starved.

How often do I go starving simply because I was too lazy to get up and gather my daily bread? How often do I just “get by” going to church, reading the Bible for 20 minutes a day, and performing my rituals of faith? I've been all three of those people at different times in my life, but most often I think I'm like the person who eats just enough veggies to feel less guilty about the volume of junk food I've ingested. I'm doing just enough good to disguise my bad.

I want to do more than just get by.

I want to be hungry again and again and again so that I can be satisfied in Him again and again and again. But it isn’t my hard work or my determination or my spiritual standards that make me hungry. Rather, the God who created my stomach to growl three times a day, who formed my spirit with a “God-shaped hole” so that nothing else will satisfy but Him, and the giver of my daily bread is also the One who gives me the hunger for that provision. So I must call out to Him daily: “Lord, make me hungry for more of You.” To my mind, there isn't a more God-honoring prayer than that. “Lord, I’m just ‘getting by’ again, please make me thirsty for You so that you can once again be my deepest satisfaction.”

GMA Conference in the Rockies 2007

Most of you who read my blog know that I'm a worship leader who dreams of becoming a songwriter/recording artist professionally. I have no desire to leave the worship ministry and no ambition beyond what I believe God has intentionally caused my heart to crave, and yet I've always felt like these two desires in my life are in conflict (writing songs and leading worship). It seems to me that the ministry of worship is altogether selfless, directing all praise and glory to God whom the congregation came to hear (in theory). But writing about my life experiences and being in the spotlight has always seemed a selfish catharsis- being the object of honor rather than the mirror of someone more honorable. So I don't write more than 10 songs per year and even then, I never have the opportunity to get them out to the masses. And while God has granted me contentment as a worship leader and I've been blessed to see Him change lives time and time again through this ministry, the longing to write music has left me with this sort of "holy discontentment" and a heart that's continually sick ("Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life."-Proverbs 13:12). I've tried and prayed and fasted and waited... and yet the Lord withheld His vision from me of how all of these longings will be satisfied and reconciled... until last week when He made it all so much more clear.

God told me I'm supposed to run away with the circus... (Just seeing if anyone reads past the first paragraph. Please read on.)

Before I tell you what "became clear," first let me tell you about where I was last week. I returned home Saturday after spending 8 days in Estes Park, CO where I attended the Gospel Music Association's 33rd Annual "Music in the Rockies" conference. (I took the picture above as I rounded the corner entering into Estes Park for the first time- it nearly stopped my heart how beautiful it was.) The week of hands-on training, masters classes, and networking opportunities is designed for songwriters, worship leaders, and artists to sharpen their skills and hone their craft. I was 1 of 1,000 conference-goers who were privileged to spend a week learning from "the best of the best" in their particular fields of interest. I focused mostly on the songwriting track while I was there, so I was able to learn from such highly-successful and widely-published songwriters as Sue C. Smith, Dave Clark, Ben Glover, and Don Koch. You haven't heard of them, but chances are you've heard of some of the artists who have recorded their songs: Faith Hill, Steven Curtis Chapman, Gloria Gaither, Travis Cottrell, Joy Williams (to name a few). Sitting in classes and receiving one-on-one critical feedback on my songs with these writers and artists was a lot like being a sponge thrown into an ocean; you soak up what you can, but you can never absorb it all in one week.

At the end of each day I tried to spend focused time writing songs and applying the techniques and ideas I had "absorbed" throughout the day (ringing out the sponge onto paper, so to speak). And by the end of the week, I had over 20 songs and song ideas started and a few completely finished. ("But that still doesn't solve your problem of not having an open door to get your music out there." - I'm getting to that, I promise...)

The week before I flew out to Colorado, I was contacted by Craig Dunnagan, the Vice President of Integrity Music Publishing. Through a mutual friend, Craig heard two of my songs, "That Sweet Someday" and "Were You There," and he liked what he heard and wanted to get to know me. We talked for ten minutes and scheduled a follow-up phone conference for a more in-depth discussion at a later date (a couple weeks from now). But in that short conversation, Craig gave me a lot to think about and some great advice. He made it clear that he would like to work with me in some capacity, which is ridiculously exciting; even if it's just to give me tips on how to make my songs better, it's a huge privilege for a young writer like me to have the ear of the VP of the biggest worship music publisher in the nation. Craig told me to link up with his associate, Lee Black, while I was in Colorado at this conference. Lee is the Songwriting Development Coordinator for Integrity and was scheduled to be a judge at the GMA conference.

To make a long story shorter, I linked up with Lee in Colorado, had coffee with him, and we really hit it off. We talked for a solid two hours about life, ministry, music, and future opportunities (I was expecting 30 minutes). Of all the advice, tips, and tricks I learned on this trip, Lee's advice certainly made the deepest impact in my heart:
"Write songs that effectively communicate the heart of your home congregation and then let God sort out where He takes your music from there; listen to the hearts of your church members when you pray with them and counsel them and then write your songs from those interactions- and THEN you'll be a successful songwriter and worship minister, whether or not you're ever published outside your own church's walls."

It was an immediate splash but a very slow sinking in; I knew instantly that what he had said had changed my perspective forever, but I'm still unpacking those words today, a week later. His words echoed the Scripture verse that speaks of being faithful with little before you can be given more; why should God entrust me with the responsibility of writing songs that express the hearts of the nations when I haven't yet been faithful to express the hearts of the 300 friends in my home church? It's such arrogance to ever think that God should expand my platform of ministry before I've faithfully served Him from this one. He doesn't know it (yet), but the Lord used Lee to bring my blinded vision into focus.

Here's the conclusion of all of this: Last week, the Lord renewed my vision of what He's called me to do: a ministry where He uses not one gift or the other (writing or worship), but where both passions work in synergy toward the purpose of leading people to His throne. The songs that I write don't have to be "selfish catharsis," they can put words in the mouths of God's Church; the lyrics that I pen don't have to "get out to the masses," they simply have to express what one person's heart would want to say if it could find the words. For the 10 years I've been a worship leader, I've been angsty about when God would ever satisfy my desire to write songs. As it turns out, the opportunities to write weren't in a record contract or publishing deal, they were right here in the church where the Lord called me to be all those years ago.

I can't tell you what a mystery that's been in my life and what a no-brainer it is now that the blinders have been removed from my eyes by the Spirit- in His perfect timing. While much of His plan still remains a mystery, I truly believe God ordained this past week at the GMA conference to be the moment in time when He would unveil a major missing piece of my destiny.

I'm keeping in touch with Craig, Lee, and several other writers and producers I met in Colorado and trust that they will continue to be a source of wisdom for me. And who knows, maybe someday God will use me to write the songs of the nations. But for now, He has called me to be faithful with these 300 hearts, and that's a tremendous responsibility. So, I have committed to write faithfully every week from this point on. My goal is 50 songs this year, good bad or ugly- it doesn't matter, just so long as they're expressions of worship from the hearts of those I lead and come in contact with.

"Lord, set my eyes like flint on this road you've set me on and keep my vision pure until we finish the race. Place what you will in my hands and then teach me to lay it down- not once, but every day- however much or little you entrust to my care."

The Times They Are A-Changin'

Come gather 'round people wherever you roam

And admit that the waters around you have grown
And accept it that soon you'll be drenched to the bone.
If your time to you is worth savin'
Then you better start swimmin' or you'll sink like a stone
For the times they are a-changin'.

Come writers and critics who prophesize with your pen
And keep your eyes wide the chance won't come again
And don't speak too soon for the wheel's still in spin
And there's no tellin' who that it's namin'.
For the loser now will be later to win
For the times they are a-changin'.

Come senators, congressmen please heed the call
Don't stand in the doorway don't block up the hall
For he that gets hurt will be he who has stalled
There's a battle outside and it is ragin'.
It'll soon shake your windows and rattle your walls
For the times they are a-changin'.

Come mothers and fathers throughout the land
And don't criticize what you can't understand
Your sons and your daughters are beyond your command
Your old road is rapidly agin'.
Please get out of the new one if you can't lend your hand
For the times they are a-changin'.

The line it is drawn the curse it is cast
The slow one now will later be fast
As the present now will later be past
The order is rapidly fadin'.
And the first one now will later be last
For the times they are a-changin'.

-Bob Dylan

Pet Peeve #1

Everybody has them, many have several, and some feel the need to vent about them. So begins a new series I'd like to call "Quirks, Jerks, and Everyday Irks."

1. When 3 miles of highway become a parking lot for absolutely no good reason. Stop and go traffic on the highway is always miserable: your day's schedule is null and void before you even arrive at the office; somewhere between seeing the first brake light and feeling your first twinge of whiplash, you'll inevitably have to pee; and the things you mutter under your breath ("someone better be dead in an accident up there") usually haunt you later with guilty feelings and thoughts of going to hell. But at least when there's a good reason (like a car upside down in flames in the middle of the road), there's an element of compassion for the misfortune of those involved, and it tends not to make me so angry. But the next time I sit through an hour of traffic only to find that the 10,000 cars in front of me were spooked by a police officer writing a ticket way off the side of the road, it's going to be a bad bad day for everyone.

Retrospect

How would I be different if I could look back on today from the end?
What would I call important if all my "nows" were "then"?
From retrospect would every wreck serve purposes for good?
Why does the hand of God in my life so often go misunderstood?

Beaten with rods and fastened with stocks for preaching in Jesus' name.
If Paul and Silas had groaned from their cell, would you have scorned them with blame?
And yet, the only sound from those prison walls echoed song after song after song:
"Praise the Lord for His rescue! No matter how soon or long!"

And then at last the earth itself began to quake and roar;
The prison cell and shackles fell with thunderous force to the floor.
But chains can't bind the heart of man, nor broken cells set free.
For in that moment, the jailer cried out, "Sirs, will your God have mercy on me?"

"Our God is greater than these prison walls;
He conquered the grave, he can shatter these halls.
What's even still greater is hearing His call,
Opening your heart and abandoning it all."

Why do we pray "God lead the way", and then whine and complain when He does?
How quickly we trade His call for our comfort and want to go back to what was!

If only we would learn to pray, "God show me Your hand in it all",
Then prison guards and fellow guilty-charged might turn and hear His call.

The Mud and Mire

Hey guys. Sorry it's been a while since my last entry; Julie and I have been on vacation for the past two weeks. Below is a letter I wrote and sent to a couple of you a few months ago and thought I would edit it and post it here. Recently a friend of mine has been ridiculing me for how "comfortable" he presumes my work to be in comparison to his manual labor/maintenance job. He breaks a sweat every day when he goes to work- always coming home dirty from fixing a toilet, or installing a sprinkler system, or hauling furniture up three flights of stairs. "You can't possibly understand how hard my job is, Ryan," he says, "I don't get to sit in a comfy chair in the air conditioning all day like you do, I'm literally shoveling other people's 'crap' all day long." Little did he know that I was engaged in discipleship (for definition, see "shoveling other people's crap") at that very moment. Here's a copy of a letter I sent in the midst of a particularly trying day in ministry- yes, from my "comfy armchair":
--
03.14.07

I feel like ever since I started working at Rio, almost 2 years ago, I am constantly engaged in discipleship-related confrontations. There have been so many hard conversations, life burdens to shoulder with people, and a LOT of criticism about a lot of things I do. Many of you guys will know exactly what I mean: there’s someone you’re discipling and your heart is so burdened for them and their troubles that you lose sleep over them. Last night, and for several nights now, my sleep has been labored with concern for one guy in particular who's on our Worship Team. He’s said some offensive things to me recently which, more important than the offense, revealed some things about the condition of his heart. This morning I woke up feeling like I had been run over by a truck, not only from not sleeping well, but because the last burden on my mind before bed last night was also the first thought I had when I opened my eyes this morning: “I need to talk with him today.” I would be neglecting my calling NOT to.

So, when I got to work this morning at 7:20am, I called him and asked him if he would squeeze in a meeting with me before he went off to work. We met, our conversation was terribly difficult and only moderately productive. I felt like an emotional rag doll when I returned to my office and the phone rang as I unlocked the door. On the other end of the phone was another member of our worship team who would require 20 minutes in conversation of the heavy-lifting sort. When I hung up the phone I was no longer a rag doll, I was on my way to numb. I took a deep breath, opened my calendar and saw that I have a lunch meeting today with a new guy in our church who wants to be in the Worship Team. And it was in that moment, when I should have felt overwhelmed at the thought of taking on yet ANOTHER “disciple”, that I realized something new and miraculous “sprouting up in my soul.”

I had already lost sleep over the one guy, been down in the trenches with two team members before 9:00am, and now I was LOOKING FORWARD to adding one more person to the team- a person whose mud and mire I would voluntarily lay all comforts aside to help him wade through. I don’t have to meet with him today- I could call it off and tell him we don’t need anymore guitar players, “go take a hike, I’ve had a hard day and too many conversations.” And yet somehow a passion burns inside of me to be bruised walking through another person’s abuses, restless in another person’s sin, and utterly exhausted under another person’s burden. This can only be the calling of God.

It reminded me of how I feel about yard work. I know it’s cliché, but not without good reason. What is it that drives me to drag my half-asleep body out of bed on a Saturday morning and spend my entire day pulling weeds that are only going to keep cropping up? Even more perplexing: how can I spend my entire God-given Saturday morning of rest exhausted in the dirt, and still sense a deep satisfaction at the end of the day? There’s something about being dirty and sweaty, and being sore and getting cut that makes you simultaneously hate and love the work you do. That’s how I feel about ministry this morning: like I’ve been down in the dirt pulling other people’s weeds, knowing that more will sprout up tomorrow, getting cut in the process, and yet looking forward to God adding more and more fields to my work of harvesting.

What madness our ministry must appear to unbelievers who haven’t personally experienced the call of the Lord.

I love you guys. I can’t tell you how much it helps me- especially on days like today- to know that you’re down “in the mud and mire” with me.

Ryan